The Great Stomach Upset

Sweet people you men are.
To bad you totally terrify me...
fascinate me...

I'm learning right now,
perhaps to your horror and surprise
the difference between
lusting and loving you sweet ones.

Learning that just because you are kind to me
doesn't mean you want to 'get in my pants,'
doesn't mean you want me to have your baby.

Perhaps you can see..
with that mind frame I have
why I'd be so terrified
to be befriended and be your friend.

BUT please persist
I need friends that are men
who will honor me as a woman
or
at least be in the their own process
of learning how to honor as a man

If I freak out
be gentle
I might even suggest
try again...
do give up.

Still 'homesick'

Thank you for inviting me to your class to speak. Sorry I didn't feel what I said had much 'clot' in it. It is hard for me to think about what I was told that I needed to hear, what I wish I had been told. I really struggle with a lot of regret, unwarrented guilt. I feel I really fell in love with that place and I miss it so much.

I hope you students can fall in love as I have even if it hurts to fall in love through serving God.

Thank you.

Response:

You beat me to the "thank you" email.

I wanted to thank you for coming. Your words were certainly appropriate and appreciated, but much of what you communicated wasn't even through your words. Thanks for sharing a bit of yourself. It was a blessing.

My Response:

I know things change as life continues on but how was your re-adjusting back. If I remember correctly you were a student missionary in Thailand correct? I know that I am 'better' than I first was in returning but sometimes I miss that place and those people so much. I feel so bittersweet when something triggers a memories of smells, children, places.

I would like to hear what you have to say. I know you help prepare students going out, what suggestions, though maybe I just need to be reminded, do you have your those who are back and 'homesick' for their land?

Spring Is Here!

This week my friend Calvin came and visited WW. It was fun hanging out. He challenges me to think better of myself. An not be afraid to pursue my dreams.

God's given me lots of cheerleaders this year. Thank him much for that.







Here is Roomie and I this week. Playing with a friend.








This week's been a lot of fun. New quarter, hanging out with old friends and sunny skies. Bring it on! I'm liking this.

Tidbits

What I learned today....

I'm waiting on God...
His glory revealed in my life...
to His glory, not mine...

BUT (I'm the butt girl by some)
It hurts....
I cry a lot as a result.

Mai bpen rai?

Things that've brought me joy...
attempting to make Thai food with new people...
teaching preschoolers how to each with chopsticks...

Week of Worship

Every year and quarter my school has a week set apart of worshiping as a campus. I especially liked today.

The first person that spoke told an example of her first time skiing. How her teacher helped her throughout the time on the hill. How she learned trust through developing a relationship with him.

The point was - we don't have to wait to go to God, he'll take us now. Someways she mentioned of going to Him are through reading (the Bible), listening (in addition to observing what He's doing in others' lives) and praying (talking to Him).

Build a friendship with God... in doing so we'll find trust.

Hebrews 4:16
"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

Jeremiah 29:13
"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

The second person spoke of surrender. Using an personal illustration of nearly drowning while surfing... when finally he succumbed to the reality he needed help - only then did he call out.

Often times we feel a bit like Moses unworthy of the awesomeness He's called us to. In our mind we have a set picture of perfection. And in the speaker's terms "that's were the cookie crumbles.." because we don't fit that description.

Another illustration, was one the audience thought in there own minds after a question was posed, "If we were a perfect shape... what shape would we be." Like our expectations... our ideals. We view ourselves not up to par. ...

In the speaker's ideal we'd be a circle... where there is one point at which we come in to contact with others. But instead of that ideal we are more like a puzzle peice - often times jagged and easily hurting one another. ... BUT (a sweet word)
Christ came in the same form - a 'puzzle peice'...
We can choose to connect with his desire for a whole puzzle (think of an image... of a puzzle, that is of the world with the cross at it's center). ..
The challenge was - don't belong to your weakness... (all your can'ts) surrender!

Your weakness is what God want to work with now.


http://www.wwc.edu/weekofworship.0.html

Alex and the Bubbles

Yesterday (actually Saturday) I went to the park to hangout with God and blow bubbles. When I arrived a little boy and his mom arrived too. I went by the creek, sat down and began to blow bubbles when I heard, "Look mom! Someone else is here!"

He slid down the slide and did a waddling run over to where I was. Looking rather mischevious (him not me!) he made sure I saw him and stood off to the side but in front of me. I immediately liked this little boy. I continued blowing bubles, how with a huge grin on my face. He turned around, "Do you know who I am?!"

I smiled, "No, who are you?"

"I'm Alex!"

I proceeded to continue the conversation and told him mine and then how old he was. As I continued blowing bubbles he went and ran with them, in tehm and attempting to pop every single one. He was so estatic, it was awesome. Really awe-inspiring! As he did so he was so tickled by the bubble and having fun in them he giggled the whole time.

Later on we went by the duck pond in the park, there he told me how the place used to be a road with cars and trucks. You might be able to say so because the signs where in the pond (unless of course you could read). He told me also, that if you where to dig in the water and mud you'd find the cars and trucks that used to drive there.

My being so focused on career training - college - I guessed that he could be a scientist in Biology or an archologist.

This boy was great he reminded me why God says, "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven (Mat. 18:3)." I was reminded through my Philosophy of Speciation that God created everything. And I personally believe that he desires us, me, to take joy in His creation and his commands... to view them in such a manner that like little Alex.. I'm so excited, ecstatic about Him and what He's done for me. It was truly an incredible experience.

Reply

Today I read your letter you wrote me over two years ago. I had sent you a letter requesting finanical assistance to go as a Missionary of Thailand. I just wanted to thank you for sharing your reasons for choosing not to.

Thank you for respecting and honoring me in my choice and likewise giving me an oppertunity to honor you. You mentioned 'saving' as being repungent. My only response can be is I cannot save anyone that's not for me to do. As for the ivasiveness of missions, I understand how culture and worship can be shredded by our (my) placing/forcing what I know and view as right ways on others can and does do. I will never know my personal impact (psotive ro negative) on those lives that crossed my own. But am overjoyed by how others impacted and changed who I am now. I agree about the arrogance of assuming others are/would be better off worhsipping my way versus God's leading.

Oh, I wanted to confess, say sorry, on behalf of what has happened in history when missionaries 'missioned' others. Although it wasn't necessarily me who did it. Again thank you, your words have challenged me to reflect on my experience, my life, last year. Although it wasn't easy I loved a life of service and feel so privileged and honored to have been a part of that land's life.

In service of the Father of Lights.
Renee

* This is a response*